What Fox Business Channel might sound like

Daniel Chun, a writer for “The Simpsons” TV show, has unearthed for New York magazine what he believes to be an unaired early transcript of the forthcoming Fox Business Channel.

Here’s an excerpt:

Anchor: And now we turn to a recent study that found that in 2005, CEO pay was 411 times that of an average worker—up from 107 times the average worker’s pay in 1990. With us is business expert Susan Caroll. Susan, was CEO pay in 1990 really that low? How many suffered from malnutrition?

Susan Caroll:We don’t have exact figures, but many couldn’t afford Kobe beef.

Anchor: Not even American Kobe-style Wagyu? Good Lord. How much of their diet was foraged acorns? Tree sap?

Susan: Let’s not dwell on the past. Just be glad that today’s CEOs get the pay raises and golden parachutes they deserve—no, need.

Anchor: Now, just to play devil’s advocate, a lot of people would say these golden parachutes are not nearly golden enough. How do you respond to such charges?

Susan: We realize that in these days of Democratic majorities, it’s quite possible that newly unemployed CEOs are entering an economy on the verge of absolute, Carter-style collapse. Assuring that these CEOs are taken care of is a top priority. In preparation for the living nightmare of an Obama or a Clinton being elected in 2008, we’ve begun stockpiling those barrels that poor people in cartoons wear.

Read more here. D-ohh!